A Typical Family Function

WCCO's Jordana Green is entertained by her charismatic family during an out-of-town Bat Mitzvah
Republished from Minnesota Monthly

This weekend my family traveled to a Bat Mitzvah for my niece in Connecticut. We couldn’t wait. My family is awesome, crazy, loud, loving and always fun, just like yours. Or maybe not. After hearing and taking note of some of the things that were said this weekend, I now wonder if we are not all insane. I hope your family is just as nuts and I’d love to hear some of the lunacy you’ve experienced at your family functions. It will make me feel better and possibly keep me out of therapy.

When we arrived at my parents home in NJ, my kids asked who else was staying over. My 96-year-old Grandmother was staying (she’s in fantastic shape and super sharp), one of my offspring replied, “I’m so glad she’s still alive.” True.

At the Bat Mitzvah service in the Temple the boys (my son and his cousins) were getting antsy so we allowed them to go play outside the sanctuary. When one of my nephews sauntered back in looking bored I asked, ” Where’s Maddox?”

“Oh he’s outside picking a lock.” Good to know.

When another nephew arrived back in services a few minutes later I asked again, “Where’s Maddox?”

Nephew, “He’s hacking into the vending machine.” Naturally.

When Maddox sauntered back into the sanctuary he noticed his grandmother wearing a gorgeous long strand of pearls and said, “Grandma you’re wearing one of those necklaces you get at Party City.”

Always quick-witted, my mother responded, “Yes or you can get them at Mardi Gras when you flash someone.” Thanks for the life lesson Grandma.

We survived the service, nothing was picked, hacked, broken or flashed…that I know of.

When we arrived at the party my son casually says, “Mom, something happened to my pants.” (see below)

The party planner retrieved a sewing kit and I pinned his pants together. No time to sew because the music was starting. Those pants came apart about 7 more times during the party and by the end of the night I was using a stapler for a quick fix. After a few hours of awesome dancing, food, family and fun my oldest announces, “This party is Lit, that DJ is OG, he’s really Da Plug.”

Yes, it is English she was speaking so let me translate TeenSpeak to Actual Words.

Lit = Fantastic.

OG = Original Gangster / Gangsta (this is a compliment).

Da Plug = Someone or something who is great.

By the end of the weekend Gram, (who, everyone is glad is still alive at 96) was handing out $5 bills to all her ‘Greats’ (Great-Grandkids, the regular Grandkids don’t get $5’s anymore) and one of them says, “Gram you Da Plug!” She replies, “I know.”

This week I wish you something to celebrate with people who don’t judge your brand of crazy.

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